Pursuit of meaning

Many of us are under lockdown or some of us may be slowly easing back into our normal everyday lives. All of this has been so new and strange. Our lives are fast-paced. Deadlines waiting for us, meetings to attend, social commitments, work commitments, and probably most importantly we have to remember to breathe. The lockdown which many of us are experiencing has changed all of that. We can only work at home, we cannot gather in large groups, many businesses have taken a dip due to economies being forced to close, we have to social distance and we cannot leave our homes without our masks.

I sometimes still find myself still waking up and thinking that this is all a bad dream and that everything is going to go back to normal. But it does not. The last time I was back on my university campus was on the 20th of March and I am not sure if I will be going back this year. I have only been seeing my friends from the screen on my phone. Seeing my family only every day has become so tedious and I do not mean to sound insensitive but I need a break from them.

I am currently studying towards my Honours degree at Rhodes University. I was supposed to have my graduation ceremony in April this year, I was supposed to go to France this month and I had some outreach projects lined up for my university and the Makhanda community. Unfortunately, none of that has happened. My academic year, in general, did not turn out as I had hoped it would. I had planned to study towards my law degree (LLB) this year but due to unfortunate circumstances, I have had to study towards my Honours degree in Journalism.

I have known that I have wanted to study law since I was in grade nine and to not study that was heartbreaking. I had to re-strategise twice this year. I had to change my mindset from studying towards an LLB to a Bachelor of Journalism and then again to a Bachelor of Arts Honours in Journalism. I knew that I did not want to practice as a journalist so I could not pursue a Bachelor of Journalism degree so I had to read towards a Bachelor of Arts Honours in Journalism. What I could do with this degree was that I could steer my Honours paper in the direction in the law field that I wanted to specialize in. I decided that I was going to write my Honours paper in the field of Media Law and Ethics.

My mindset completely changed, the meaning that I had for this degree was now more positive. I was no longer feeling disappointed in myself, angry, hopeless, or helpless. I could still study towards an LLB degree after completing this Honours degree. I am still on this path. I realised that I was too hard on myself and I was not giving myself the chance to see what I can do in the meantime. I am much happier than I was at the beginning of the year. I feel more inspired to do more research to understand the field that I want to go into.

In my everyday life, I talk about finding meaning and making meaning otherwise what is the point of all of this? How do you find meaning during a lockdown due to a pandemic? We take a lot of things for granted like meeting up with a friend for coffee, going to lectures every day and taking part in class discussions and spending time outdoors and really enjoy nature. It is difficult to find meaning when things have paused and we are only scheduling zoom meetings.

It does seem like I have found more time to think about how I would like my dreams to become concrete. I can imagine myself becoming a successful media lawyer or an advocate but I need to find the steps for me to get there. That is where you find meaning, that motivation to be successful when you wake up and you feel inspired to do whatever it is that you need to do. In the midst of all of the #Blacklivesmatter protests, lockdown, a pandemic and the Gender-based violence in South Africa sift through that, take a moment and make everything make sense again.

Who am I?

I wrote this piece sometime ago and I just thought that I should share it with a larger audience:):)

I was born into political chaos and tyranny in the DRC

I am lost between South Africa and the DRC

I am a four-year-old without tact as I point,stare and comment on all that I see

I am an unapologetic intersectional feminist but, I am gentle at heart

I am a hopeless romantic not made for this hook-up world

I am a lover of words; I mean what I say and I do what I say I will do

I embrace change and the unknown

I am the source of my happiness and the key to my future.

We all want a narrative to tell

It has been awhile since I have been here and I have missed this space to express myself. I have been thinking about how to really take a philosophical approach with this blog. I decided to interview a Philosophy lecturer. I had been looking at zodiacs, music and books. But right now, I want to look at what Philosophy tells us about the reasons we create meanings for ourselves.

 

Mr Francis Williamson is a Philosophy lecturer at Rhodes University who took me on a narrative journey of oneself. His office is filled with many books and a lot of these books have the names of people that I had studied in high school like Albert Camus and Jean-Paul Sartre. I knew that the concepts which he was going to enlightening me about were not going to be so unfamiliar. I could see all the knowledge spewing out from the shelves and with Williamson`s slight British accent, it was a narrative that I eagerly listened to.

 

In conversation with him, I asked him why is it that we have constructed so much meaning and have used so much mediums to bring meaning to our lives, but still we are digging, exploring and searching for more answers, are we not fulfilled enough?

 

He responded by saying, ‘When I tell a story about myself, it`s not some thumb suck, it`s not some invented story , but when I think about my life and myself, I recognise myself as having these origins, these difficulties and problems to overcome and in the final analysis it will have a dénouement, which will either be tragic or wonderful. Everything that is happening is building up to this point. If I do not believe that, then what is the point of waking up in the morning, what am I going to achieve? ‘The only real question is whether or not to commit suicide’.

 

He emphasised on how we know that there is a narrative to our lives and that there is a point to our lives, reality is not like that though. There is no point, it is pointless. ‘You have all these struggles and then you die, finish, it`s bizarre Williamson chucked. All this pressure and anxiety which we have to find purpose, does not have any base.

 

This is why we come up with these other forms of meaning to stop us from thinking that there is no point to life. As we grow up we realise that there actually is a point to all of this. We acquire knowledge through the texts we read, the media which we consume, the teachings which we get from our family and the experiences we have with our friends and all of these facets make you a whole person and that is the goal.

 

In relation to the teachings which we have had from our families, Williamson says that we put our parents’ ideals and morals to the test and see if we can apply those morals to our lives. “I am not just the product of that, but I know what to choose for myself”. This resonates with me so much because in way I feel as though I am very liberal in my thinking, which is a complete shift from my parents. This a cycle which goes on and on and we have conformed into this and sometimes we forget that people before us also went through this and that they have also rejected their own parents` values and morals and that it is fine.

 

Speaking of morals, pleasure is something which changes a lot of our morals, the question is whether these changes are good for us. Sexual experience, the occasional partying, drinking and everything else. We should not think of these as bad things as they are part of the human experience, the good life if you like. The structures which we live in make us have judgement over these experiences and these structures may even prevent us from taking part in these activities, says Williamson.

 

But our curiosity will lead us to these activities anyway but it will be our intelligence which will decide how much we would like to indulge and that that is part of having that self-autonomy. That self-autonomy brings meaning to us in a narrative sort of way.

 

What I have learnt is that with all these meanings of religion, astrology and philosophical approaches, is that we want to be part of something greater than ourselves which is part of many other people. ‘In as much as I do not know myself, I still have a story to tell’, Williamson explains. We have the basic dynamics of a human soul because we have the human experience and personality. We may not really know, but we have morals, ideals and established movements which sort of help us make sense of the world and ourselves

The WHY question

I have been writing a lot about how other people found their meaning but I have not really been able to do the same for myself. It is difficult for me to understand how and why I have been put onto this planet. There are so many theories and philosophies as to how I got to this point. I keep wondering and waiting for some sort of answer to appear from somewhere, but I always come to the same conclusion: I do not know. I do know that I was born on 11 December in the DRC and that as a Sagittarius, I question a lot of things but none of what I do every day makes sense. I know that we can bring logic into this, but this is not about logic.

 

Someone`s purpose does not begin with a clear logical flow; it begins with what the purpose should be and how this should flow from there. I learnt about the tools which people have to ‘make sense of all of this’ in high school. My Drama teacher taught us about Absurdism, Existentialism and Nihilism. I remember she told us to not let this stuff get into our heads. Imagine having a mid-life crisis at 17 years old! Yes, take what you study seriously and learn to understand but do not think too hard, your brain will run for the hills.

 

I have learnt that it is easier to just let things be and to accept them as they are. It is such a waste of time thinking and messing with your own mind about why, why and why. I used to do this especially when I was thinking about life being so boring. I had to take that remote and make it my own and I listened to Oscar Wilde when he said ‘To live is the rarest thing, most people exist, that is all.’

To abort or not to abort, that is the question

There has been an uproar on the recent new abortion laws in the US. It is not shocking that abortion has been banned it is more of the grounds on which it has been banned in some states in America. There has been a lot of commentary on this topic, some of the commentary has been from a conservative point of view but many of the comments are from leftist point of view. There has also been talk about this in South Africa, where abortion is allowed. There is still some controversy because we still have abortions happening in dodgy alleys and it being done by people who are not professionals. How do university students find this law in America? I went to go and investigate.

 

Mane Mona, an Honours student responded by saying that the world is changing and people`s morals are changing and that we need to be more accepting of the situation which we are currently in. She added by saying , ‘Rape is a prevalent thing  globally we should have the right to decide what we would like to do after a rape case, because it is not a matter of I went out and had sex and just doing whatever and I have to now deal with these consequences, I was just roaming those streets because I can.’’ Men made up these laws and they do not know what is it means to be raped’. That was the issue which was brought up a number of times, 25 men have made this decision and they are not able to contextualise this.

 

Religion has a big role to play in this, especially in terms of Christian values and Zusiphe Nkala an Honours student studying Psychology emphasises the influence which religion has on a decision such as abortion. There is a lot of values which has been placed on religion and devout Christians believe that life begins at inception and not at birth. She says , ‘religion is very selective because there are many people suffering around the world in terms of poverty and with underdeveloped African countries but nothing is being done about that but when it comes to what women want to do with their bodies that is wrong, I just don`t understand that.’

 

I also received comments from French girls currently studying at Rhodes University. Claire Duval, said that this decision to abort is only dependant on the woman involved and that it is unacceptable that men have been tasked with such a decision which lies with a woman. Juliette Ronot, added by saying ,’Men should not be choosing for women , it’s about yourself.’

We have had many responses and opinions from woman themselves, the ones who could find themselves in this position but what about men, would they share the same sentiments? It is important to note that men also have a role to play in this especially if we have a situation of incest which occurs and he wants t have a role to play in the child`s life. This could also be said about a woman who simply does not want a child and her partner or spouse wants to keep the child. Botlhale Maimane who is studying a Bachelor of Economics says ‘The blame for all this is being placed on the woman she apparently got herself pregnant. No woman asks to get raped and a lot of the times she does not know that it is coming her way and I just think this is all crazy.’

 

Our last respondent was very frank and simple about this, Solam Sigabi, ‘You can`t tell a woman what do if you do not have her parts and even if you do , demographics have to be taken into consideration because the woman who passed this law has a uterus which is way out of service’.  This is not an issue which is only found in America, around the world woman still do not have autonomy over their bodies. The world is moving and conversations from people especially young people need to be heard as they are the one steering the world. The message is clear and simple ‘No uterus, no opinion’.

 

Are we ready for a new Sex Education Curriculum?

Sex is already a taboo topic in some respects and talking about it makes some people uncomfortable. Talking to children about this usually involves parents telling children about the dangers of sex and that you should just wait for it and not rush into it. Parents do not make it comfortable to speak about this topic because in the past sex was seen as a sin and this was left at that. There are many fears around young people engaging in sex such as pregnancy, contracting a sexually transmitted disease and the big one; HIV/AIDS. There has recently been a buzz around a new Life Orientation in South Africa which will include masturbation, consent and children being comfortable with this topic.

 

What does this all mean for grade 4 learners who will be exposed to such topics? How are parents reacting to this? Also, what are people saying about this? Sex education is the area of study which includes; reproduction, sexual health, consent, gender, sexual activity, birth control, safe sex and sexual abstinence. At the moment in South Africa, the Life Orientation curriculum is around the areas of morals, physical development, psychological, personal and cultural perspectives. The sex education part is sort of just slipped in into one of these areas. Not much time is spent on it. The only time learners in the classroom really learn about sex is through pregnancy, HIV/AIDS, anatomy and safe sex.

 

Diemo Masuko a research assistant from the Critical Studies in Sexualities and Reproduction (CSSR) at Rhodes University says that the problem lies in what is taught in the subject and how and when sex is embedded into the areas of teaching. Masuko was asked about what the problem with the current sex education her response was ‘Sex is mainly associated with disease, coercion and not so much comfort with one`s body, but more of this could happen if you explore’.

 

With all the interviews and articles which have come out of this topic, the issue is that grade four learners are too young to be taught about being comfortable with their bodies and that it is not a sin to do so. There needs to be some sort of foundation being built here so that children know about their bodies. Len Ngobeni a second-year student, mentions that the problem with the current curriculum is that it is only taught from a heterosexual point of view. It needs to be more progressive in terms of including the LGBT+ community. ‘The issue is that teachers tip-toe around sex and sometimes this has to do with their religious beliefs’, he adds.

 

We need to talk about sex more from a pleasure and consent instead of just looking at it from a teenage pregnancy point of view, Masuko explains. There are consequences of course but there is another side to this as well. It is natural to want to have sex and to think about it as we are sexual beings. In approaching this new curriculum, it is important to note that some teachers are also parents, so they also need to become comfortable with this topic.

 

The big question is whether or not this will curb teenage pregnancy. Masuko says that you cannot predict human behaviour even if they have been informed about sex. ‘There are cases where a woman falls pregnant and it just happened in the heat of the moment, we need to give to give support to women and give them mechanisms to deal with the pregnancy if it is  unwanted, such as abortion and adoption.’

 

‘We ought to make conversations around sex comfortable, people are engaging in this act not just for procreation. Not just this but we must also normalise the fact the women can also enjoy this act and that it is not just men who get a pass’, says Ngobeni. The curriculum should inform the learners about sex, not necessarily to force them to do this. Otherwise they become uncomfortable with the topic and then they cannot make informed decisions.

The Fault in our Stars

Hazel-Grace Lancaster and Augustus Waters are two young star-crossed lovers who have met by chance through a support group. They have a love story like no other even though it has been numbered. Hazel is a cynical girl who has cancer and could die at any moment and that there is no point to life and that she will die soon. We have Augustus, the ever so optimistic and full of life handsome young man. There is one thing which he says which describes him in a nutshell. ‘I intend to live an extraordinary life’.

 

These two individuals are very different but are brought together by a book which gives Hazel a lot of meaning in her life. We are told that the book is about cancer, which seems like an odd book because it just feels like Hazel has given in to her cancer and is so focused on it that it has formed as being part of her whole life. Augustus also gives this book a try with his reservations about it and it turns out that he loves the book. His face lights up when he speaks about the book to Hazel and we see a friendship building up from that.

 

Augustus is full of life and he is living his best life but he also has cancer. It is interesting how this book even though it has cancer and death in it, we are blown away by his excitement of life and what it means to him. Hazel’s journey is given to us from the moment she got cancer to the moment she realises that this is her life now, with the cancer. Augustus does not like to dwell on his illness because that is not him, it has happened to him so it is not part of his being.

 

Augustus is an existentialist and he says and does everything with conviction.  He believes that there is a point to everything otherwise there would not be any point to living. He doesn’t say what he believes in, but he definitely believes in something. Throughout the novel there is a cute little romance which occurs between the two characters and no one wants this relationship to end, because it all looks like a fairy-tale. The realities of cancer are brought to us through both Hazel and Augustus when they both fall ill. Even if this is a book, the feelings and human elements are all real and as painful as it might be to deal with life, it only makes us stronger.

The title of the novel already tells us that there is some bad news for us, either in the form of fate or in our own actions, being faults. The fate in this novel is that these two individuals meet and they both have cancer and they both grow fond of a novel which brings them together. The choices which we see in the book reveal the character`s nature. Hazel is stronger because she has chosen to go beyond what she knows especially when she travelled to Amsterdam with Augustus and her mother.

 

She has decided to go with the boy that she likes and this is all a leap of faith because she does not know what the outcome of this is. She does fear hurting Augustus though because of her illness. She knows that it will hurt Augustus and she says, ‘I want to minimise the casualties’. She has seen the pain her parents go through any time she has to be rushed to the hospital when something is wrong due to the cancer. But is means so much to her that Augustus loves her deeply even though she has cancer and does not let her cancer become part of her identity.

 

The movie version of this book is great and the characters played by Shailene Woodley and Ansel Elgort, two really good actors who make us feel their love, pain and be excited and intrigued by the choices and meanings in their lives. The screenplay is great but, for all book lovers out there, you will know that the movie version of a book never serves the book justice. I know that some people have watch the movie version of this book and maybe do not wish to read the book. But it is so much more satisfying to read the book because there is more to feel because you do not need to see something in order to feel it, you will just know. Also, there is more detail and description in books.

 

I strongly recommend this book, it is a beautiful read. It teaches us that no matter our circumstances are, our days on earth are numbered and we must make the most and best of the choices and destinies which we have been given.

A song that I can’t get out of my head

You know that song that is always buzzing on your mind no matter what you are doing? It is quite annoying especially because you wish you could remember the contents of a tests instead of a song. The music that we listen to has been influenced by our past experiences, our present, interests and the meaning which we associate with them. I do not just listen to any type of music and my friends and family think that my music taste is quite limited. I listen to relive a moment I enjoyed and that just sounds like music to my ears.

 

‘Rewrite the Stars’ sung by Zendaya and Zac Efron has been buzzing around on my mind and I cannot seem to get it out of my mind. I first heard this song on the movie ‘The Greatest Showman’. The song speaks about two lovers from two completely different worlds and are in love but the society in which they live and destiny does not see love occurring between the two lovers. There is a play on realism and optimism in the song as Zendaya  is saying that the stars do not see love occurring between herself and her lover.

 

Adding onto that, the political climate does not allow for a love like theirs to blossom or even begin. But Efron believes that your destiny can be changed, by your choices. This is where he says ‘why don`t we rewrite the stars’. He says, I think, because his choices mark his existence and not destiny and he can defy that. He is defying the stars as he believes that love concurs all. This song can relate to anyone who feels that they are not being supported in love by someone against a relationship or someone who feels that they are not being given any autonomy to live their own lives.

 

It is a beautiful song especially for those who would like to listen to a little love story against the odds by two individuals who were not destined for love. Not only does the song have a relatable story line but it also has a catchy tune especially with voices such as Zac Efron and Zendaya. The song will not bring you to tears but it will teach you that you need to embrace the choices which you have been given and perhaps cross those boundaries which you have been prevented from crossing.

The world through the eyes of a Sagittarius

Who is Tebogo Seatlholo? What are his habits, ambitions and what makes him click? A person can be described through their characteristics, their beliefs, through their friends but  we really delve deep into their being with their tools of meaning. His mood can be translated with the sun, moon and stars and the temperate wind that blows gently over the sky. “Kaifanomics” as Rhodes University students call our tuck-shop near the library, is a comfortable space for people on campus, so having a conversation with Seatlholo there seemed like the perfect spot to talk all things meaning and “vibes” related.

 

‘I feel like people don’t like to feel alone and we look for anything with meaning to feel like we are not alone because I don’t think we`re meant to be alone as a species’ , Seatlholo says. Humans are social and crave companionship even if this is just with one person. Our lives are enhanced when we find a group of people or one person we share traits with. This also stems from storytelling; we like to relate our stories to other people so that we can live in that moment again especially if this was an exhilarating experience.

 

Humorous, confident, sociable, stubborn and a gym-enthusiast, these are just some of the terms which can be used to box the individual who sat right across from me. He came to know about star signs when he was very young, but at that time he did not take the time to go and research about what this all meant for him. We never really think of the meanings which we have in our lives but for Seatlholo this is an integral part of his life, as we need meaning to make sense of the world we live in.

 

Not only does Seatlholo look to astrology to find meaning in life but he also looks to religion and this also forms part of his identity. He says, ‘Religion is more established, there`s more history behind it. If I have kids and I tell them this and that about astrology , it will be ingrained in them , just like religion, till they are my age, so I feel like with anything the establishment of history provides for the belief in it’. He says that we cannot really compare star signs and religion together because of their significant differences.

 

‘With star signs there is no element of fear whereas with religion there is some form of fear which will prevent you from doing something bad. Your star sign just tells you about ‘vibes’ and about who you are as a person and religion tells you about how you should be’.

 

When asked about whether or not he uses astrology as a guidance for relationships, he mentions that sometimes a person`s zodiac is a factor in determining whether or not he will be compatible with that person, but sometimes it is the differences which you find in the person which excite you. He adds that, your star sign can tell you that you are compatible with that person and that you share characteristics but it does not tell you that this person might not be there for you when you were sick in bed for example.

 

Seatlholo has also learnt a lot about zodiacs, compatibility, and the meaning of life through his girlfriend who is a Gemini. Sihle Putye, his girlfriend, describes him as  ‘caring’, ‘understanding’, a ‘listener’, ‘loving’ and a ‘hard worker’, which is just perfect for Seatlholo. This is important for him as this is one of the strongest pairings for Seatlholo who is a Sagittarius.

 

Gemini is one of the star signs which can really ‘handle’ a Sagittarius who is a fire sign, full of wit, sarcasm and is especially known for being very blunt in nature. Geminis can adapt to any person`s behaviour because this star sign is said to be categorised by twins and can ‘switch’ between personalities and are easy going people who like to have deep conversations especially because of their intelligence.

 

Our hardships make us stronger and as with experiences, these make us wiser and Sagittarius is said to be wise because of their hardships and because of the ways in which they handle these experiences.  You can use truth to set you free and you can value truth above love, but you can still go back top that person who broke your heart or broke the trust which you shared with them. These are the experiences which a Sagittarius like Seatlholo relates to and it gives him meaning in this empty earth which we live in.

 

Love creates so much meaning and life lessons for us to learn from and to also not repeat the same mistakes we made, in our current relationships. Seatlholo says, ‘I have learnt a lot about love and I know that I am in love but I still don`t know what love really is.  The meaning which we all want to find is in happiness as this is essentially the end goal with our life , it is not simply waking up in the morning and having a routine, it is simply finding joy in life`s simple pleasures.

Bunny on my heart

As gentle and as soft a mother`s love follows me everywhere that I go. I cannot say that I cannot live without it but I have become quite attached to it, my gentle bunny rabbit.

He gave it to me when I turned 21 and it is as gentle as his hands intertwined into mine.It is all about pride and nothing else.I do not carry it around for him, it just makes me feel good.This bunny is malleable in my hand , it follows my path and direction.

I smile every time I hold it. Its warmth and gentle touch engulfs me and I feel fuzzy inside.It has eyes but you have to search for for them. You just have to feel.

I understand why children may want to have a companion when they sleep. To be comforted is to be secure.This bunny could be a home for you, like your warm bed, your covers dipped in your fragrance. It is familiar, helping and making you sleep into the night.

It will never hurt me , like words and actions do but it will make me wonder. Wondering about why I have put so much thought on this, why I have placed so much meaning onto this stuffed animal, because that is all it is right?

You may disagree with me, but we have been placed here to make our own meaning even if it is out of nothing.