Category: Writing

Pursuit of meaning

Many of us are under lockdown or some of us may be slowly easing back into our normal everyday lives. All of this has been so new and strange. Our lives are fast-paced. Deadlines waiting for us, meetings to attend, social commitments, work commitments, and probably most importantly we have to remember to breathe. The lockdown which many of us are experiencing has changed all of that. We can only work at home, we cannot gather in large groups, many businesses have taken a dip due to economies being forced to close, we have to social distance and we cannot leave our homes without our masks.

I sometimes still find myself still waking up and thinking that this is all a bad dream and that everything is going to go back to normal. But it does not. The last time I was back on my university campus was on the 20th of March and I am not sure if I will be going back this year. I have only been seeing my friends from the screen on my phone. Seeing my family only every day has become so tedious and I do not mean to sound insensitive but I need a break from them.

I am currently studying towards my Honours degree at Rhodes University. I was supposed to have my graduation ceremony in April this year, I was supposed to go to France this month and I had some outreach projects lined up for my university and the Makhanda community. Unfortunately, none of that has happened. My academic year, in general, did not turn out as I had hoped it would. I had planned to study towards my law degree (LLB) this year but due to unfortunate circumstances, I have had to study towards my Honours degree in Journalism.

I have known that I have wanted to study law since I was in grade nine and to not study that was heartbreaking. I had to re-strategise twice this year. I had to change my mindset from studying towards an LLB to a Bachelor of Journalism and then again to a Bachelor of Arts Honours in Journalism. I knew that I did not want to practice as a journalist so I could not pursue a Bachelor of Journalism degree so I had to read towards a Bachelor of Arts Honours in Journalism. What I could do with this degree was that I could steer my Honours paper in the direction in the law field that I wanted to specialize in. I decided that I was going to write my Honours paper in the field of Media Law and Ethics.

My mindset completely changed, the meaning that I had for this degree was now more positive. I was no longer feeling disappointed in myself, angry, hopeless, or helpless. I could still study towards an LLB degree after completing this Honours degree. I am still on this path. I realised that I was too hard on myself and I was not giving myself the chance to see what I can do in the meantime. I am much happier than I was at the beginning of the year. I feel more inspired to do more research to understand the field that I want to go into.

In my everyday life, I talk about finding meaning and making meaning otherwise what is the point of all of this? How do you find meaning during a lockdown due to a pandemic? We take a lot of things for granted like meeting up with a friend for coffee, going to lectures every day and taking part in class discussions and spending time outdoors and really enjoy nature. It is difficult to find meaning when things have paused and we are only scheduling zoom meetings.

It does seem like I have found more time to think about how I would like my dreams to become concrete. I can imagine myself becoming a successful media lawyer or an advocate but I need to find the steps for me to get there. That is where you find meaning, that motivation to be successful when you wake up and you feel inspired to do whatever it is that you need to do. In the midst of all of the #Blacklivesmatter protests, lockdown, a pandemic and the Gender-based violence in South Africa sift through that, take a moment and make everything make sense again.

Who am I?

I wrote this piece sometime ago and I just thought that I should share it with a larger audience:):)

I was born into political chaos and tyranny in the DRC

I am lost between South Africa and the DRC

I am a four-year-old without tact as I point,stare and comment on all that I see

I am an unapologetic intersectional feminist but, I am gentle at heart

I am a hopeless romantic not made for this hook-up world

I am a lover of words; I mean what I say and I do what I say I will do

I embrace change and the unknown

I am the source of my happiness and the key to my future.

We all want a narrative to tell

It has been awhile since I have been here and I have missed this space to express myself. I have been thinking about how to really take a philosophical approach with this blog. I decided to interview a Philosophy lecturer. I had been looking at zodiacs, music and books. But right now, I want to look at what Philosophy tells us about the reasons we create meanings for ourselves.

 

Mr Francis Williamson is a Philosophy lecturer at Rhodes University who took me on a narrative journey of oneself. His office is filled with many books and a lot of these books have the names of people that I had studied in high school like Albert Camus and Jean-Paul Sartre. I knew that the concepts which he was going to enlightening me about were not going to be so unfamiliar. I could see all the knowledge spewing out from the shelves and with Williamson`s slight British accent, it was a narrative that I eagerly listened to.

 

In conversation with him, I asked him why is it that we have constructed so much meaning and have used so much mediums to bring meaning to our lives, but still we are digging, exploring and searching for more answers, are we not fulfilled enough?

 

He responded by saying, ‘When I tell a story about myself, it`s not some thumb suck, it`s not some invented story , but when I think about my life and myself, I recognise myself as having these origins, these difficulties and problems to overcome and in the final analysis it will have a dénouement, which will either be tragic or wonderful. Everything that is happening is building up to this point. If I do not believe that, then what is the point of waking up in the morning, what am I going to achieve? ‘The only real question is whether or not to commit suicide’.

 

He emphasised on how we know that there is a narrative to our lives and that there is a point to our lives, reality is not like that though. There is no point, it is pointless. ‘You have all these struggles and then you die, finish, it`s bizarre Williamson chucked. All this pressure and anxiety which we have to find purpose, does not have any base.

 

This is why we come up with these other forms of meaning to stop us from thinking that there is no point to life. As we grow up we realise that there actually is a point to all of this. We acquire knowledge through the texts we read, the media which we consume, the teachings which we get from our family and the experiences we have with our friends and all of these facets make you a whole person and that is the goal.

 

In relation to the teachings which we have had from our families, Williamson says that we put our parents’ ideals and morals to the test and see if we can apply those morals to our lives. “I am not just the product of that, but I know what to choose for myself”. This resonates with me so much because in way I feel as though I am very liberal in my thinking, which is a complete shift from my parents. This a cycle which goes on and on and we have conformed into this and sometimes we forget that people before us also went through this and that they have also rejected their own parents` values and morals and that it is fine.

 

Speaking of morals, pleasure is something which changes a lot of our morals, the question is whether these changes are good for us. Sexual experience, the occasional partying, drinking and everything else. We should not think of these as bad things as they are part of the human experience, the good life if you like. The structures which we live in make us have judgement over these experiences and these structures may even prevent us from taking part in these activities, says Williamson.

 

But our curiosity will lead us to these activities anyway but it will be our intelligence which will decide how much we would like to indulge and that that is part of having that self-autonomy. That self-autonomy brings meaning to us in a narrative sort of way.

 

What I have learnt is that with all these meanings of religion, astrology and philosophical approaches, is that we want to be part of something greater than ourselves which is part of many other people. ‘In as much as I do not know myself, I still have a story to tell’, Williamson explains. We have the basic dynamics of a human soul because we have the human experience and personality. We may not really know, but we have morals, ideals and established movements which sort of help us make sense of the world and ourselves

The world through the eyes of a Sagittarius

Who is Tebogo Seatlholo? What are his habits, ambitions and what makes him click? A person can be described through their characteristics, their beliefs, through their friends but  we really delve deep into their being with their tools of meaning. His mood can be translated with the sun, moon and stars and the temperate wind that blows gently over the sky. “Kaifanomics” as Rhodes University students call our tuck-shop near the library, is a comfortable space for people on campus, so having a conversation with Seatlholo there seemed like the perfect spot to talk all things meaning and “vibes” related.

 

‘I feel like people don’t like to feel alone and we look for anything with meaning to feel like we are not alone because I don’t think we`re meant to be alone as a species’ , Seatlholo says. Humans are social and crave companionship even if this is just with one person. Our lives are enhanced when we find a group of people or one person we share traits with. This also stems from storytelling; we like to relate our stories to other people so that we can live in that moment again especially if this was an exhilarating experience.

 

Humorous, confident, sociable, stubborn and a gym-enthusiast, these are just some of the terms which can be used to box the individual who sat right across from me. He came to know about star signs when he was very young, but at that time he did not take the time to go and research about what this all meant for him. We never really think of the meanings which we have in our lives but for Seatlholo this is an integral part of his life, as we need meaning to make sense of the world we live in.

 

Not only does Seatlholo look to astrology to find meaning in life but he also looks to religion and this also forms part of his identity. He says, ‘Religion is more established, there`s more history behind it. If I have kids and I tell them this and that about astrology , it will be ingrained in them , just like religion, till they are my age, so I feel like with anything the establishment of history provides for the belief in it’. He says that we cannot really compare star signs and religion together because of their significant differences.

 

‘With star signs there is no element of fear whereas with religion there is some form of fear which will prevent you from doing something bad. Your star sign just tells you about ‘vibes’ and about who you are as a person and religion tells you about how you should be’.

 

When asked about whether or not he uses astrology as a guidance for relationships, he mentions that sometimes a person`s zodiac is a factor in determining whether or not he will be compatible with that person, but sometimes it is the differences which you find in the person which excite you. He adds that, your star sign can tell you that you are compatible with that person and that you share characteristics but it does not tell you that this person might not be there for you when you were sick in bed for example.

 

Seatlholo has also learnt a lot about zodiacs, compatibility, and the meaning of life through his girlfriend who is a Gemini. Sihle Putye, his girlfriend, describes him as  ‘caring’, ‘understanding’, a ‘listener’, ‘loving’ and a ‘hard worker’, which is just perfect for Seatlholo. This is important for him as this is one of the strongest pairings for Seatlholo who is a Sagittarius.

 

Gemini is one of the star signs which can really ‘handle’ a Sagittarius who is a fire sign, full of wit, sarcasm and is especially known for being very blunt in nature. Geminis can adapt to any person`s behaviour because this star sign is said to be categorised by twins and can ‘switch’ between personalities and are easy going people who like to have deep conversations especially because of their intelligence.

 

Our hardships make us stronger and as with experiences, these make us wiser and Sagittarius is said to be wise because of their hardships and because of the ways in which they handle these experiences.  You can use truth to set you free and you can value truth above love, but you can still go back top that person who broke your heart or broke the trust which you shared with them. These are the experiences which a Sagittarius like Seatlholo relates to and it gives him meaning in this empty earth which we live in.

 

Love creates so much meaning and life lessons for us to learn from and to also not repeat the same mistakes we made, in our current relationships. Seatlholo says, ‘I have learnt a lot about love and I know that I am in love but I still don`t know what love really is.  The meaning which we all want to find is in happiness as this is essentially the end goal with our life , it is not simply waking up in the morning and having a routine, it is simply finding joy in life`s simple pleasures.

Why I write

I write because of the way that I am. I write because my tongue cannot express what my heart wants to. Words have power and power makes us. I tread on these dark roads every day wondering, ‘Why am I here and how do I do this life thing’? I am a machine without a manual. But then again humans do not usually read instructions anyway so there must be worth in this world then. There is worth in us creating music, art, cellphones and even shoelaces. We have created so much perfection that it is foolish of us to want to be perfect as well.

 

I write, I write, I write and then all of a sudden…it is too overwhelming. But I cannot stop forever, I need to keep myself busy. I write like the ocean moving and swelling and flowing. Other days I am just staring at the writing which is like foundation which has not been blended well.

 

I write when I’m lying on my bed thinking of my lost love. Is he thinking about me? If only… I should have. How could he? Am I wrong to be thinking of him so much?
I write because it calms me, it makes me forget about my troubles which in turn makes me happy.  This is why I write, it brings me joy.
Being vocal is something I do effortlessly and endlessly but speaking my mind through paper and pen, now that really gets the message out. This business of writing on a computer screen does not sit well with me however. My writing isn’t natural. There is a robot staring right back at me, watching. I write for myself, it is a sacred action and my diary is my most loyal friend. Listening without judging, finding comfort in security and knowing it will always be there as a catharsis.

 

I write because the written word is a cathartic flame destroying everything in its path and my voice becomes silently awake. Awake in trying to fight the patriarchy which we live in. I am a feminist through and through and I cannot always say what I would like to freely. Sometimes I am shut off because I am Black, a woman, heterosexual or cisgender with a statement like ‘This is not your place’. When I write it is my place and that is why I write.